Relationships, Repetition, and Emptiness By: Nina Johansson

Endgame and Quarantine

At the start of the semester, I was nervous. I was a sophomore in college, and this semester was looking like it would be the hardest yet. I knew college got harder as you go on, but I did not feel like I was ready. Not only was I enrolled in my first 300 level writing and literature classes, I would be stuck on campus until five for four days of the week (Fridays were my reprieve). I had never had a schedule like that and would have preferred shorter days. But such is the nature of college classes. Little did I know, at the time, that I would be stuck at home after spring break, missing my classes and professors. I would be willing to attend my classes no matter the time of day or circumstances, if only they were face-to-face.

Quarantine has been hard for everyone in different ways. There are some who are jobless and others, more privileged, who protest the closure of their beaches. And then there is me, a college student, who is fortunately living off campus this semester and quarantined with roommates. After reading Endgame¸ I kept thinking about Hamm and Clov’s relationship. There are people who are quarantined with others who they would rather not be for various reasons. They would prefer to be alone. In some situations, this is more severe. I know there has been a huge decrease in various crimes, but domestic abuse and custody disputes have increased. Sometimes people just need to be alone for their personal safety. But others like Hamm and Clov, merely dislike each other but they would rather be with someone rather than no one. I, fortunately, am quarantined with three close friends. They were the first people I connected with in college and we are getting along well. If anything, quarantine has made me realize that I am friends with the right people. Quarantine has been bearable because I am not alone.

One way that quarantine has gotten to me, I know I am not the only one, is that it is getting old. Repetition is an affliction every living thing must deal with, but humans are cursed with the ability to dwell on it. In Endgame, the cyclical aspect to life is quite apparent. Hamm repeatedly asks, ‘is it not time for my painkiller?’ and Clov always says ‘no.’ Clov repeatedly claims he will leave Hamm, who repeatedly claims he cannot. The two characters often wonder why they remain with each other, but they do to avoid suffering life alone. In some ways, humans literally cannot avoid repeating actions. For example, we have to eat, drink water, and sleep. We go to school, we go to college, we have jobs. We have hobbies. We have pets we take care of every day, who are completely dependent on us. We have friends we maintain relationships with, sometimes positive or negative. But the problem with negative habits is that even though we have chosen to engage in them, they are almost impossible to break. Repetition is unavoidable as a human; some things are necessary for us to repeat. Others are choice, we repeat doing things we enjoy. But, why is it so easy to repeat doing things we enjoy and so hard to stop repeating things we hate?

The transition from face-to-face to online classes was difficult for me, but not so much as it was for other students who have classes they cannot do online. So, I made do with my situation. I figured ‘it could always be worse.’ Like Hamm and Clov, who cannot or will not do things. At least I can choose to sit and stand when I want, I can go to the store, I can engage in my hobbies, work on my school assignments. Nonetheless, quarantine has made me feel, well, empty. There is so much that has been a part of my everyday life that is not anymore. I have not been able to go to my classes or to campus. I have missed out on interaction with my professors and my peers. I am not learning in the same way or as much. I do not have the same motivation as before. But no matter how empty life in quarantine fills, I can always find ways to make it more bearable.

Throughout quarantine during school, I was constantly holding onto the thoughts that ‘I am almost there. I am almost done with school for a while. I can see my family soon.’ But, a part of me knows that after being home for some time, I will be eager to come back to Montana to see my friends and get a break from my family, and so on. As long as we are in quarantine, I’ll wish for a change in setting or people. But I will always need certain things. I will need people around me (as quarantine becomes the new normal), I will adopt a new routine to replace the old, and I will fill the hole that was life before isolation with things to stay sane. I will wonder ‘is it time for a walk yet?’ as Hamm wonders ‘is it not time for my painkiller?’